Don’t go up to someone and go, “Indian”.

“I think she should just relax and have a bath and listen to Michael Bublé. A Bublé bath.”

Simon: Miquita, are you a fan of the Hoosiers?
Miquita: Well, I really liked the advert that you cast in the intro.
Simon: Yeah, but when you say that, you’re lying.
Phill: Don’t take that from him! You’re not his bitch anymore!
Miquita: To be fair, he was my bitch.
Simon: Yeah. She used to hit me.
Miquita: Only like, the first six months of the first year.

Phill: He must have either been on the Isle of Wight or in Cumbria, because that’s the only place in the U.K. you can find the red squirrels.
Simon: …Okay…
Phill: Yeah, when I hit you with the facts you’re unimpressed, but when your boyfriend over there…
Simon: Don’t mock our intellectual Greek love. This is funny though, Stephen, that we’re talking about squirrels, because I was just saying to someone the other day that in Norse mythology, Ratatosk is a red squirrel - you must know this - who runs up and down, with messages, the world tree, which is known as Yuh-gah-drah-zil…
Stephen: Yggdrasil.
Simon: Yggdrasil is correct, and um…
Phill: I feel like I’m being beaten up by a fucking encyclopedia salesman.

Simon: Before that, Dominic, tell us about Mamma Mia!
Dominic: What would you like to know?
Simon: Well, I was - I haven’t seen it - but I was very impressed…
Dominic: You were impressed, but you haven’t seen it?
Frankie: I’ve seen it.
Simon: I was impressed by the reviews. It had very good reviews, didn’t it?
Dominic: You should go and see it.
Frankie: It’s really good, you should see it. [to Dominic] Are you the boyfriend?
Phill: No, he was Meryl Streep!
Simon: That is the power of Dominic’s acting. Because it isn’t about Dominic Cooper, it’s about the character, so he almost disappears into the role, or, you could say, makes no impact at all.

Simon: Do you know anything about Akon?
Stephen: I’m afraid I don’t. He seems to come with the standard uniform of the hippity hoppity brigade. Lots of shiny things, and rather less lustrous attitude towards women, it seems. In worst case scenario, he in some way inserted it without permission of the lady. We all know about Mars Bars and Marianne Faithfull… There is a history in popular music of recto-vaginal insertion.
Simon: I thought you were gonna bring this show up to a standard.

Russell: That looks like a Hare Krishna suicide, doesn’t it? Or like a 1980s version of Lost. I’m gonna tambourine my way off the island!

Simon: Isn’t Kenzie sweet? Why don’t you tell the nice BBC viewers what the song Flip Reverse was all about?
Kenzie: …Um… women.
Russell: Women? It was about anal in a truck.

Simon: Can we all stop taking the mickey out of Kenzie? He’s my friend from Popworld. Only I can call him a moron.